18 months
Wednesday (4/2/25) marked 1.5 years free of self harm, a huge deal for me considering how difficult it’s been to stay clean at times. I often discredit my self harm milestones because I shouldn’t have struggled with it in the first place. But the facts are, I did struggle with self harm for a really fucking long time. I remember slapping myself till my face burned as young as eight years old and at that point, the foundation was set for me to discover more and different ways to hurt myself until I was truly addicted in my tween/early teen years.
One of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy’s core tenets is the idea that people are doing the best they can with the tools they have at any given time. I’m working towards believing that about my younger self. I was in severe emotional pain with no healthier ways to cope, so of course I would resort to manifesting my mental hurt physically.
It’s important for me to begin to challenge my tendency to devalue all my accomplishments as soon as I achieve them, especially ones related to my mental health progress. That’s why I decided to celebrate by doing one of my all time favorite activities, going to a concert. Lucky for me, Maude Latour performed in LA (for only $30!) on the exact date of my 18 months. I went to see Maude and her opener Maris with one of my friends from IOP and it was such a special night. The vibes were immaculate since both Maris and Maude are incredible performers with a knack for high audience engagement. I felt pure joy and pride screaming lyrics that represented the whole spectrum of emotions while knowing that I now manage all of those emotions without engaging in self harm.
Additionally, being in such an LGBTQ+ safe space made me feel exultant happiness like it always does. I love queer people and my community.
On that note, Monday was Transgender Day of Visibility and I thought a lot about how queer joy is an act of resistance in and of itself. Black and brown trans people paved the way for the rights I have today and even if they hadn’t, trans people are worthy of much love and support purely by existing. Every day, they choose to bravely show up with a level of authenticity the majority of the world can’t claim. That is admirable and beautiful all on its own. At a time where one party is treating trans people as a scapegoat and the other is treating them as a political liability, I promise to never compromise on my steadfast support and allyship. You all have a community that loves you even if it feels like the world doesn’t<3